I know I know!

I know, I suck. In the meantime, you can catch me here:

www.snarkmoms.blogspot.com/

Remember, I'm a whore for comments :)

Cosmo Mag Review: October 2009

It's not October yet, but I know all you confident females out there are chomping at the bit for what heralds the beginning of fall for American women: the October issue of Cosmo.

The dog days of summer, having included numerous incidences of humiliating sexploits, crash diets and misguided attempts at achieving beach-hair, are over. It's time to hunker down for the crisp milieu of autumn, and prepare ourselves for the long-awaited holiday season that brings to mind good food, good friends, time spent with family, and outsmarting a brutal rapist.

Yes, bitches - you heard me right. No longer is it enough to fend off a brutal rapist - or even acquiesce to his demands in order to save your life. No longer is it commendable enough to report the bastard who brutally raped you, and then testify against him in court, reliving each terrifying second in front of a room full of strangers. Now, we must outsmart the men that force their appalling penises upon us. And Cosmo wants their empowered readers to know that a confident woman is capable of challenging her would-be rapist to a duel of the minds. So, for the next time some sicko attacks you, be sure you have your Rubik's Cube scrambled and ready to go. Challenge him to a timed race to complete it. Also, you can have a copy of the New York Times' crossword puzzle. See if HE can get 19 across. If he does, he can commit all the felonies he wants. But you know what? Your average rapist has low verbal acuity (thus, his inability to woo drunk, but willing, sex partners with even the lamest of pick up lines.) He will probably NOT come up with "antonym for emigrate," and thus will have to let you go, undefiled.

Enough about bad men doing bad things to non-consenting women. Let's talk about bad girls doing bad things to men who like it. Apparently men enjoy what is called, "Bad Girl Sex." Cosmo wants to teach you how to do it, so that you can make your man really, really happy. You might be asking yourself, "But what if I don't want to have bad girl sex?" The answer is: It's not about you. As we have discussed in previous blog entries, your body, and specifically your vagina and boobs, were put on this planet to please men and cater to even their most deviant desires. So put on those crotchless panties, pop a few Quaaludes, and take on Cosmo's "Dirty Dozen." You might not like it, but that's not the point, now is it?

Remember when spinning was popular? Or yoga? Or Pilates? Or Jazzercise? Fitness fads come and go like sex partners, because no one likes to do the same workout/manwhore for very long. Apparently the "Sexy Ass Workout" is having its 15 minutes in October. The message of this fitness plan is simple: as long as your ass is smokin' hot, the rest of your figure can be like whatever. This might not make a lot of sense to you young ladies out there - and you might be wondering how you're going to lure men into your web of cheesy desperation if you do not exercise yourself into an amenorrheaic state. But think about it - when you have degrading and meaningless sex with a man who really only cares about getting his rocks off - what part of your body is he normally grabbing and/or staring at? And there you go.

What is the funniest thing you've ever had stuck in your genitalia? Did you have to go to the ER to have it removed? I sure hope not, because those ER doctors talked to Cosmo and spilled all. Either you will read the article and feel better about the comparatively benign "Down There Emergencies" you've had - or you will read a fairly accurate but cleaned-up rendition of the most embarrassing moment of your life. Either way, it's fun to read about people getting things stuck in their "down there," and I'm glad Cosmo is providing the dual service of a good laugh and a timely forewarning to those of you who are interested in...

What 81% of men expect on a first date. Now, of course, I have not actually read this issue of Cosmo, so I am not positive what more than 4 out of 5 males expect the first time they take a girl out. My top five guesses would include:

• A blow job
• A blow job under the table at PF Chang's
• Going Dutch
• A blow job while he is playing online poker
• A follow-up text message

So, all you miserable, pitiful ladies - do you want more confidence? Hell yes, you do! You've been looking to boost your self-esteem by throwing yourself at undeserving men. You've considered plastic surgery for the sole purpose of catching dudes. You've been doing the Sexy Ass Workout and the Dirty Dozen for months. You still spend hours a day posting obviously posed "candids" of yourself in a bikini top on Facebook. You've seen those so-called "confident" girls - the ones who play sports, get good grades, have promising careers and healthy friendships. You want to know: what do those girls have that I don't? What is their #1 secret to confidence and self-fulfillment?

Of course it's the 26 top beauty products available, as determined by Cosmo readers. Everyone knows that a girl can't be confident, sexy or in any way appealing unless she is wearing no fewer than 26 products at any given time. I guaran-damn-tee you that Maybelline Great Lash is on the list, even though I haven't read it, because Maybelline has some deal with the magazine industry that their absolute WORST mascara has to be included on any "top whatever" list they publish. Ever.

Anyway, girls, if you want to love yourself more, just buy and use more makeup. It worked for Tammy Faye, and it can work for you too.

Cosmo Mag Review: September 2009

We've come a long way, girls. I mean - it wasn't so long ago that women weren't able to vote, own property, or wear pants. Women fought long and hard to claim their God-given rights to participate in government and earn equal pay for equal work. And as a member of a generation that has benefitted greatly from the blood, sweat and tears of a less-privileged group of women - I want to say the following:

You old timers can be proud that today's self-assured and sophisticated young women, the legions of educated and motivated females you fought so damned hard for, are fulfilling their ultimate destinies to be the first girl naughty enough to try #43 on him.

Of course, I have no idea what "#43" is, but I am fairly certain it does not involve anything having to do with mutual satisfaction or personal fulfillment. In the Cosmo World, sex tricks are performed "on" "your man" - not "with" him. As you know, being in a relationship is mainly about attracting a dude and keeping him from sleeping with your roommate, not about a genuine connection with a man based on respect, love and deep appreciation of one another. What you might not understand is that maintaining the delicate balance of a Cosmo relationship involves an ever-escalating serious of personal humiliations that can only be learned via the magazine. Case in point:

"5 Words That Get The Truth Out Of Guys!"

Because, you know, it's really asking too much of the ladies to expect the truth from the men on whom they perform "#43." Apparently, Cosmo takes it as a given that your average boyfriend/manwhore is a liar that must be tricked into telling the truth. You have probably heard that you shouldn't date someone to whom honesty does not come naturally - but you heard wrong. There is a lot of fun to be had trying to find the secret password that will unlock the vault to "your man's" deepest thoughts. Still, I am going to be a spoilsport here and let you know the five words that have unleashed the floods of man's truest feelings since the dawn of time: I'll get you another beer.

Now, I need to talk about something really personal. This might make some of you (i.e. penis owners, children, old ladies, humans beings in general) really uncomfortable, but it needs to be said: a lot of women use the wrong common cure when their "Hoo-Ha" is burning. Ladies, I am just going to say it: #43 is NOT going to put out the flames. That's right. You cannot undo one venereal disease by contracting another, and an STD is not passed on like a hot potato. The best thing to do when your vag is burning is, obviously, to write to Cosmo and ask what you should do. They will likely print your heavily edited query with a vague and barely helpful answer - to go to the local free clinic so that your parents don't know you're sleeping with your boyfriend. In the meantime, stick to less dicey sex acts (see numbers 14-26) that, while still putting you at great risk for contracting herpes and feeling terrible about yourself, will not give your man the dreaded "burning ding-dong."

Now that we've covered that topic, I think it's important to move on to the "Gut Feelings You Should Never Ignore."

1. "I am pretty sure that's a genital wart."
2. "Maybe it's not normal to have beer before 9 AM."
3. "How odd that I found my roommate's panties in his bed!"
4. "Maybe I shouldn't be taking relationship advice from a magazine that has, over the years, claimed to reveal over 20,000 sex moves."

I am a very happily married woman. My husband is like, mostly really awesome and we have fun together and I think he's adorable and all that. Do you want to know our secret? It's the "Dirty Sex Rule" happy couples swear by - my husband cleans the house. That's right, folks, our "dirty" sex rule is this: Brian will not be having sex when our house is dirty. Therefore, it behooves him to get off his ass and grab the mop. I personally find it exceedingly difficult to execute "#43" when there is laundry on the floor, crumbs on the counter or beard clippings in the sink. That's why, in this house, the secret to fantastic sex involves Comet Cleanser and a Magic Eraser - freaky, right? And I have no IDEA how Cosmo figured our secret out.

Do you need your man to be even hornier? Frankly, I've often considered putting saltpeter in our Cornflakes, but for the tens of women in the world that actually want to increase their husbands' libidos, Cosmo wants you to know that wet kisses should do the trick. Put down the phones, girls, you do not need to place an order for Extenze, Enzyte or Magnum RX - you just need to brush your teeth and get your mack on. Simple as that! And if wet kisses don't work, you can rest assured that he is sleeping with your roommate. See "5 Words That Get The Truth Out Of Guys."

Have you ever wondered what a man is dying to hear on a date? Ponder no more, girlfriends, because Cosmo has the answer and so do I. It's quite simple, really, but involves a few steps which I will outline now.

Step 1: Say: Do you want to go back to my place and have sex? I'm horny as hell! The only thing is that I will need you to leave immediately after because I don't like snuggling in bed at all. Also, please don't call me ever again, unless, of course, you just want to have meaningless sex.

Step 2: Say: I just read this amazing article in Cosmo and I can't wait to do "#43" to you!

That's all there is to it!

I am not sure how someone can lose weight while they eat, but apparently Cosmo knows. I wonder how it's possible to actually lose weight while you are ingesting something, but I guess it can be done, because Lord knows, Cosmo doesn't make this shit up. Maybe they are suggesting that, while you are running a marathon, you pour packets of Splenda into your mouth like that goo they use on the Tour De France. Or, while you are ramping up to level 9 on the elliptical trainer, you could be snacking on plain lettuce. Maybe while you are humping to 50 Sex Tricks, you can pop a few Tic-Tacs and call it a meal. Let's face it ladies - dieting ain't easy, but you will never catch a good man if you have one scrap of fat on your body. So do whatever it takes.

I don't know who Kristen Bell is, but she appears to be a cute little blonde. Cosmo says that she "stopped worrying" and "found the one." You, too, can stop worrying and find "the one" if only you will learn 50 sex tricks, lose more weight, fix your burning crotch, say the right things while out on a date, follow the "Dirty Sex Rule", con your man into telling you the truth, wear sexy clothes this fall, and stop ignoring some of your gut feelings. Seriously, it's easy. And, like, makes you feel like a an totally empowered woman.

My Second Home

Hello Readers!

Judging by the paltry amount of commentary on my last blog entry (which, BTW, I thought was pretty funny), my fan base is growing bored with my offerings.

Never fear; "The Mo and Darce Show" is here! Have you ever wondered what I talk about with my close friends? No? Well, too bad. Because now I'm asking you to read inane conversations between me and my super smart friend Darcy W.

Here's the deets:

www.snarkmoms.blogspot.com

Go there. Comment. Like a vampire needs human blood, I thrive on adoration from the public in the form of blog comments :)

M

New Monthly Installment: Cosmo Mag Review

Hellooo ladies and gentlemen! I've decided that, in an effort to up the intellectual quotient on this blog, every month, I will be reviewing the literary feat that is Cosmopolitan Magazine. I feel like a thorough hashing-out of all the extremely pertinent and academic topics covered in the magazine will bring my readers both important information and a bit of culture that is probably lacking from their lives. I have some rules, though.

1. I am not going to actually read Cosmopolitan Magazine.

K, now that we've settled that, let's begin. Here is the August 2009 issue of Cosmo:

Ladies, I am just going to put this out there: Do you or do you not need to increase your sexual position repertoire by 125 moves? Seriously, I'd like to know. Because right now, the list of "moves" I do is limited to the following:

• Putting on chapstick
• Pointing to a phantom watch on my wrist to indicate that there are approximately 40 seconds left until a child starts banging on the door.

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure I could execute or remember a full 125 sex moves, in addition to those at which I am already proficient. I do realize that the target audience of Cosmo is approximately 17 years old, and at that age the mind is both nimble and hopefully unmolested by the bevy of adult-level concerns the rest of us old ladies have - but come on. 125 moves? I don't even think Larry Bird had that many during his heyday with the Celtics.

Next topic: Do you want to get hit on "all the time" so that your friends are "really annoyed?"

a) yes, or

b) yes

Okay, yes. Because what's the point of life unless random dudes are trying to pick you up ALL THE TIME? I feel like I am uniquely qualified to expound on this topic because it has been about...okay, specifically, 10 years 4 months and 16 days since a dude last tried to pick me up. And I'm not bitter. I'm really not. I mean, fuck the world if they don't think I'm like super hot and oozing with sex appeal and aren't constantly trying to get my attention. I DON'T CARE!

Instead of being butthurt about not getting hit on ALL.THE.TIME, I am going to explore the concept of there being such a thing as an "Orgasm Whisperer." Ladies, I am going to be frank here - having an orgasm is nice, but the most important thing about your sexuality is knowing over 125 sex maneuvers and being hit on ALL.THE.TIME. I mean, here's the thing. Your sexuality is not so much about you enjoying yourself - it is about being freaky in the sack and being able to bed practically any dude you want by appearing desperately easy. Because at the end of the day, who cares if you're enjoying the sex if you haven't fully embraced your role as a semen receptacle for the guys that are hitting on you ALL.THE.TIME and can truly appreciate your catalogue of 125 or more sex moves?

When you have successfully lured that special guy with your charm, intellect and willingness to give him a blow job while he plays Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, you might be wondering how you will keep him around and prevent him from hitting on other girls ALL.THE.TIME (do not fall into the trap of believing you're the only one who's read the article.) Fortunately, this issue of Cosmo promises to tell you how to "Cheatproof Your Love - With Four Words." Because I have not actually read the "article," I will have to hypothesize as to what those four words are. Here are my top three guesses:

1. I'm up for that! (Moving beyond your basic 125 sex moves, letting him go to Vegas with the guys from Motley Crue, allowing him to move into your condo rent-free.)

2. You are so right! (That a threesome would be super fun, that he deserves to be supported financially while he "goes back to school," that smoking weed every day is a totally legitimate lifestyle choice.)

3. I'll cut it off. (If you so much as look at another woman, if you don't cancel your online porn subscription, if you don't ritually burn every note, photo and ticket stub that reminds you of your ex girlfriend.)

Once you've been hit on by that special guy and subsequently cemented your cheatproof relationship with 125 sex moves, it's time to analyze your man's sex style. What is a sex style, you ask? Well, from my random sampling of one subject - what I can tell you is that there are three types of sex:

The kind you do when you are drunk.

The kind you do when you are trying to get pregnant.

The kind you plan to have but never get around to.

.

.

.

.

Okay, I just called a single friend of mine who informed me that there are indeed more types of sex than that. Still, I don't think this subject deserves an entire article. Because let me break it down real simple; if you are the type of girl that takes sex advice from Cosmo - invariably the man you are sleeping with is a a bastard.

Do you want to know 5 things that will BLOW a JOB interview? Having once been in a position to hire young women, I think I can safely say that juxtaposing two seemingly innocuous words so that they practically force a Freudian connection in the mind of the reader is one good way. Another thing would be letting the interviewer see a copy of Cosmo in your purse. Or discussing your accomplished list of 125 sex moves, your prowess at cheatproofing relationships in 4 words, or your knack for being hit on ALL.THE.TIME. Also, pitching your line of Sculpey jewelry, or asking if the company routinely drug tests is not advised.

One thing I have been DYING to figure out is how Katy Perry grabbed Hollywood by the balls. If you've been living under a rock, Katy Perry is the ingenious chanteuse who brought the world the brilliance of a song that goes: "No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter, you're my experimental game, just human nature." I wonder if grabbing a whole city by the balls is one of the 125 sex moves every woman should know about. Or maybe it is a good way to cheatproof your love.

I could go on, readers, but that would involve me actually reading more than the cover, which I am unwilling to do. Stay tuned for next month's installment - no purchase necessary!

NEED ANSWERS IMMEDIATELY!

A couple of days ago I met our "new" neighbors. They are only "new" because they've owned the house for a long time, rented it out, and are just now moving back in. But they are new to us.

Anyway, they were super nice and very friendly, 50ish, Southern accents.

Yesterday I made a bunch of zucchini bread and put a warm loaf on a plate for them. I asked my husband, who had not yet met the neighbors, to take it over there, say I made it, and introduce himself. I told him to take Bridget.

He refused. He said it was "weird" for a man to take a loaf of zucchini bread over to the neighbors. I said he should do it because he hadn't met them yet. I said he could say he didn't bake it. I told him to use Bridget as a shield. Still, he refused.

Now we are having a debate - is it ever appropriate for a man to take a loaf of zucchini bread to the neighbor's house?

I maintain that Brian is socially stunted. He claims I am trying to embarrass/metaphorically castrate him by sending him next door with a quick bread. WHO IS RIGHT!?

This Bites

You know those rotten kids who bite without provocation? I have one.

Lane has some oral motor issues, which makes biting satisfying. He will also do anything for attention, and trust me, biting gets him attention.

He is a sweet boy. He never bites out of anger or frustration. It's more like - he will be playing nicely with blocks next to a certain friend or cousin, and all of the sudden he catches a glimpse of one plump little arm and thinks it would be great to chomp on it.

After he bites, he will immediately show remorse, giving a hug and a kiss and demanding to be picked up to quell his troubled conscience. He will say, "No bite. No no no." Like, he can't believe he just did that. When I ask him if he wants Naomi (one of his favorite victims) to come play, he will immediately say, "NeMo. Bite. No bite." He knows.

I don't know what to do about him. I have heard from a source that shall remain nameless that I might want to try biting him back. Mom; I am not going to do that. It makes about as much sense to me as teaching a child not to hit by hitting him as punishment for hitting. Or teaching him not to say, "shit" by saying, "Stop saying shit, you shitty little shit!"

Anyway. Since he's only 19 months old, I am skeptical that things like taking away toys/privileges or "time outs" would be an effective deterrent. It seems at this point that it's more of an impulse control issue - he knows biting is wrong and that it hurts - but sometimes he just.can't.help it.

Ideas?