Maureen Calling

Little known fact: I used to manage a day spa. I know, it's hard to believe I ever did anything other than being the best mom in the whole world, but it's true: I was in charge of the day-to-day goings on of the Spa and Fitness Center of a certain swanky country club. Not only did I gyp, abuse and play passive-aggressive with my service providers; I also wrote our brochures (complete bullshit) and hawked our skin-care line (overpriced bullshit.) I also: pretended to entertain the idea of selling a new skin-care line, in order to obtain copious free samples from sales reps, acted like I knew what the term "back bar" meant for the first four months of my employment, and told our "clients" that my clear and radiant skin was due to strict adherence to our all-botanical products and weekly facials, when, in truth, it was thanks to long-term antibiotics and prescription Azelex.

No matter; I sold those facials and massages and pedicures. I even sold body scrubs, reiki therapy, Brazilian waxing services and paraffin dips. I touted and pedaled these things because it was my job, not because I actually had any confidence in their efficacy. Aging socialites love nothing more than to purchase, in huge quantities and at exorbitant prices, steaming piles of B.S. sold by a 22-year-old con artist with perfectly (perfectly!) clear skin and not a crow's foot in sight. It was kind of sad, really. Many of these women would have done anything to reverse the clock on their age spots and wrinkles - and if they read in our brochure that our products and services would "hydrate" "exfoliate" "soften" "lift" "plump" or "smooth" their skin - they bought them.

Now, back then, I was totally scamming on the vanity of the rich, tennis-playing bitches at the country club. I knew that a $60.00 moisturizer from my backlit cabinet was not necessarily superior to a $10.00 one from the drugstore. I knew that the only kind of thing that could make someone look younger came with an M.D. after his name and a scalpel in his hands. But, a job was a job and I was 22, and, let's face it - it was hilarious.

Imagine me sitting behind my computer, in my office (which also doubled as the break room,) coming up with more and more ridiculous ways to describe a particular spa treatment. The verbiage was grandiose - the promises farfetched - the prices astronomical. I would start out the description by detailing a common skin problem. For example, I might write: "Is your skin dry?" or "Do you see fine lines around your eyes?" Then, I would add the insult: "Dry skin ages you and makes you appear less-than-vibrant," or "Fine lines add decades to your visage." Then I would make the outrageous claim, complete with a word that I made up, to sound more exotic and quasi-theraputic: "Come by the spa, for your intensive hydrotherapy facial, which activates the moisture-producing molecules deep within the skin to completely balance the moisture level of your epidermis. Deeply hydrates for lasting results. Look years younger, feel fresh and vibrant again!" Of course, it made no sense and was a promise totally devoid of meaning. But, it worked. I found that the more I used the word (or variation on) "deep" - the more facials I sold. Apparently all women are looking for that product that really penetrates the layers of skin. They can keep looking, because no beauty product could or should permeate beyond the first couple of layers.

As I would sit there, coming up with more and more outrageous claims (the neuromuscular massage description was particularly preposterous) I would laugh to myself, often calling my clerk in the lounge to read to her an especially funny line. And this is what I'm telling you, ladies: all product descriptions, whether you read them in a magazine, hear about them on Good Morning America, or see their ad on the computer - are written by twits like me who practically asphyxiate themselves with laughter, just coming up with the totally shameless portrayals. Because anyone who can read a label can see that most of the super expensive cleansers, moisturizers, toners (which are pretty much completely unnecessary), serums, spritzers, exfoliants, masks, night creams, eye creams, neck creams, and sunscreens have the exact same ingredients as inexpensive drugstore products. And the vast majority of the "special" ingredients in department store products (algae extract? micronized mother of pearl? kinetin? organic melon concentrate?) have never been proven beneficial to skin, because non-prescription "treatments" are not regulated by the FDA. Essentially, cosmetics companies can make any claim they want about any product they want. And this is how they have turned anti-wrinkle treatments into a multi billion dollar industry.

Moving on...

Despite my shenanigans and trickery while working at the spa, and my overall disillusionment with the beauty industry, I actually do know quite a bit about skin care and makeup. I have read extensively on this topic, and have tried practically everything. Without further ado, I am going to share with you my findings on some of the best (and worst) ways to spend your beauty dollars:

What you should consider buying at the department store:

FOUNDATION

There are some excellent foundation options at the drugstore (CoverGirl TruBlend comes to mind), but there are rarely any testers. If there are testers, the mirrors and lighting are poor. Foundation has to be matched perfectly for a realistic look, and that is nearly impossible to do at the drugstore. So, in my view, it is worthwhile to go to the department store and spend a little more on this product. We have all borne witness to the tragedy that is the obvious "foundation line." Do not make this most egregious of makeup mistakes! Go to a reputable makeup counter (I suggest MAC, Bobbi Brown or Estee Lauder) and have the sales person find the best color for you. At the very least, buy several shades of drugstore foundation and take them home to experiment for the closest match. Under NO circumstances are you to grab a bottle off the shelf and think to yourself, "This looks pretty close" and make a purchase.

CONCEALER

For the same reasons mentioned above, concealer is often more safely purchased at the department store. Don't get me wrong - there are excellent options to be had at your local CVS. Since concealer is cheaper than foundation, definitely feel free to buy a couple of shades and experiment with them at home if you're reluctant to plunk down for a high-end product. Try Revlon Colorstay - it's fabulous and pretty close to budge proof. If you know you don't have a great eye for color, though, just go to Macy's and have the girl take care of it for you. DO NOT BUY A CONCEALER STICK OR PENCIL. The last thing you want to do is touch the actual product to a blemish on your skin. Gross. Also, products in stick form usually contain waxes. Wax is not good for your skin - especially if you're acne-prone.

POWDER

The same rules for foundation and concealer apply here. If you don't get this one right, you will come off looking sick, pale and geisha-like, or like you're trying to fake a tan. Do not ever, ever try to fake a tan by going a shade darker with powder. It is not convincing in the least, and gives off a decidedly 7th-grade vibe. My favorite face powder is MAC Studio Fix. Unless you have terribly oily skin, you should buy it, throw away the sponge applicator, and use a high-quality brush to apply it. If you don't want to spend that kind of money on powder, CoverGirl TruBlend Pressed Powder or L'Oreal True Match Pressed Powder are very acceptable substitutes.

BRUSHES

Do not use brushes or applicators that come with the makeup you buy. The first thing I do when I get a new blush, eyeshadow or powder is discard the included "tool." You do not have to spend a fortune on brushes, but high-quality tools do make a difference so please do not get Wet 'n Wild on this one. Bobbi Brown has a wonderful but redundant line. So does Trish McEvoy. The sales woman might try to convince you that you need 12 brushes in order to have a satisfactory result. In reality, you need a powder brush, a couple of eyeshadow brushes, a blush brush and a tiny concealer brush; don't be convinced to purchase more. If you have to fill in your eyebrows, you will need a stiff little eyebrow brush too. You might also want to get a foundation brush if you don't like applying foundation with your fingers. You can buy totally acceptable brushes at Sephora - they carry their own line which is very serviceable and affordable to boot. Take care of your brushes and they will last a long time. Wash them periodically (with warm water and a bit of baby shampoo) but to not submerge the whole head of the brush. Your tools will start to shed like a labrador if you do that. What I do is put a little sudsy water in the palm of my hand, and swirl my brushes around in it. I take care to only wash the top 3/4 of the brush and not get the junction wet. Then, I rinse, reshape the brush, and let it dry on a towel. I do this whenever I see build-up on my tools or notice that their performance is suffering.

What you should buy at the drugstore:

MASCARA

The drugstore carries a plethora of excellent mascaras. Under no circumstances should any woman be paying more than $9.00 for a tube. Maybelline makes some wonderful products - my favorite being their Full 'N Soft in black. For some reason, their Great Lash is a perennial best-seller. I don't know why. I think it's awful.

LIP GLOSS

Come on. Buying department store lipgloss is just a waste of money. Even Wet 'N Wild carries some decent specimens.

BLUSH

The best bet is to buy a sheer color and layer the product gradually for a natural look. Neutrogena makes some good options in believable shades. And repeat after me: I will not apply an upwardly angled stripe of blush in an effort to create cheekbones.

EYELINER

If you buy a pencil-style eyeliner for $22.00 from Lancome, you are wasting your money. There are many good eyeliners at the drugstore. The best kind aren't too creamy (which causes smudging) and not too dry (which is difficult to apply.) I like Revlon Colorstay pencil eyeliner for a product that is easy to use and stays put. As far as liquid eyeliner goes, I have had great success with Almay Intense i-Color Liquid Liner in brown topaz. Remember that black liner is a very bold look, and should only be used by dark-haired girls who possess a deft hand at application.

LIPSTICK

This is where it gets tricky, because everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a great lipstick. Some women like a sheer gloss, while others prefer a bold matte. There are countless options in the lipstick department in both the department and drug stores. For sheer glosses, keep it cheap. Neutrogena, Revlon, L'Oreal - even Bonne Bell make fine products. As far as traditional lipstick goes, you just need to choose something in a color and consistency that you like. I try to avoid anything too slick, because it tends to wear off almost immediately. In fact, I have really grown to appreciate the semi-permenant lipsticks that came out several years ago. These lipsticks can be found in an array of shades at the drugstore and are made by CoverGirl (Outlast) and MAX Factor (Lipfinity.) I use just a little in the morning and skip the glossy top coat. It lasts all day and gives my lips just enough color so that I don't look like I have tuberculosis. I pick a pink nude shade, so it looks pretty natural. For evenings, I wear a bolder color. With semi-perm lipsticks, you want to use a good mirror during application because smudges are not easily wiped away, and you cannot use a lip liner. Which brings me to another point: DO NOT OUTLINE YOUR LIPS IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN A NUDE SHADE THAT IS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOUR NATURAL LIP COLOR.

EYESHADOW

Glitter eyeshadow is for 13-year-olds and drag queens, so don't wear it. A slight sheen or pearl finish is acceptable if you are not very wrinkly. Everyone else should wear matte. Revlon, Neutrogena and Almay all make acceptable options in neutral colors. There is no reason to spend a lot of money on eyeshadow from the department store.

CLEANSER

You have two options: If you have dry, sensitive skin and don't wear much makeup, you should use regular Cetaphil. If you have oilier skin, or wear a fair amount of makeup, you should use Clean and Clear Foaming Facial Cleanser for sensitive skin. End of discussion!

EXFOLIANT

A tablespoon or two of baking soda mixed with your regular cleanser is better than anything you can buy at the department store.

MOISTURIZER

You know all those special moisturizers for various areas on your face? Under your eyes, your eye lids, your T-zone, your neck, your decollete? They are a total scam. The moisturizer doesn't know where you're putting it, and you do not need multiple products. If your skin is oily, you do not need to moisturize at all. You are just adding to the problem. If your skin is normal, you should only apply moisturizer when you feel like it. If your skin is dry, you should get a fragrance-free moisturizer and apply it as needed. Nothing you apply under your eyes is going to repair sagging skin or wrinkles. Nothing you apply to your neck is going to lift your gobble. If you have age spots, you can use hydroquinone to "bleach" them (Esoterica is one product). If you are in need of a chemical exfoliant, you can try salicylic acid (try Alpha Hydrox oil-free formula.) A chemical exfoliant can help reduce fine lines, age spots and is a first-line defense against acne.

SUNSCREEN

You need to wear sunscreen. It is the only thing that will truly keep you looking young. Use one with one or more of the following ingredients: Avobenzone, titanium dioxide, zinc oxide, or Mexoryl. Neutrogena makes good ones.

Remember ladies, most of the major makeup lines are owned by the same companies. They give off the appearance of "competing" with one another, each one having their own special, secret formulations - but the truth is that Estee Lauder owns not only it's namesake company, but also Bobbi Brown, Clinique, Origins, Prescriptives, MAC, Aveda - and plenty more. L'Oreal owns Maybelline, The Body Shop, Kiehl's and Lancome. Johnson and Johnson owns Aveeno, Neutrogena and Clean & Clear. It's an incestuous business - with most big companies owning multiple drugstore and department store lines. Do you think they're withholding all their amazing breakthroughs from one another? Of course not. Most of their products are manufactured from the same ingredients, in the same factories, packaged differently and sold at widely variant prices. Don't be fooled!