LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY!

The other day Brian and I were driving in the car and I was reading Newsweek Magazine. Newsweek is like a slightly cheesy knock-off of TIME, except for that it is twice as expensive. I can't really say I enjoy it, but reading it helps pass the time when watching my avocados ripen gets dull and/or I need to remember why I don't vote for Democrats.

So I'm reading along and I come to one of those two-page ads that are set up to look almost like a legitimate part of the magazine. If I were 91 years old, semi-blind and mostly senile, I would absolutely probably maybe think that this ad was an article. On the first page, there is a little blurb about how to maintain your financial solvency amid the current economic meltdown/crisis/Armageddon. There are some non-insane tips - like making sure your bank is FDIC insured and holding on to good real estate investments. But I mean, Bridget could have told you that. The rest of the tips involve buying collectible coins, obtaining a safe, keeping cash "safe at home" (this, after previously recommending an FDIC-insured savings account), and investing in gold and silver.

Uh huh.

After the "article", there is a picture of a massive, sparkling clean warehouse full of beautiful old-fashioned safes being looked over by sharp, uniformed men from the "World Reserve" - which is an official-sounding but totally bogus entity of unknown origin. Underneath the picture, a caption reads: "HELP IS ON THE WAY. This-never-before-seen photo captures the rapid shipment of Presidential Armored Safes!" First of all, there is nothing in the "photo" (and I use that term loosely) that indicates that anything is being shipped. Second of all, someone sucks at Photoshop.

In any event, the next page is even funnier. The title proclaims: Free Safes Being Doled Out To Public! Now, the term "doled out" brings to mind something that is being given away for free (reminiscent of the term "being on the dole" - i.e. taking advantage of government welfare), which is what the company that placed this ad wants readers to believe. The word "government" is used repeatedly (actually, they use the ridiculous contraction gov't for reasons I can't figure out but suspect are nefarious in nature.) Other captions under photographs in the ad read: LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY and: NO MORE WORRIES.

Now, just imagine little old Grandma Ruth, sitting in her efficiency apartment, reading Newsweek by kerosene lamp to save on the energy bill. Ruth subsists on a tiny pension from her late husband (he died in 1989), and social security checks. She's been wearing the same crocheted slippers since Kennedy was in office, and just cuts the moldy part off of strawberries because throwing away edible part of the fruit would be a shame. They just don't make strawberries like they used to!

Anyway, Ruth is broke. She's afraid she will live to be 119. Her son lives in Albuquerque with his third wife, who is continually reminding him that Ruth is a "grown woman" and can "take care of herself." Also, Ruth is a little crazy. She doesn't drive. She can't find her false teeth. She hasn't seen her cat for a few years but assumes he's just lurking under the bed.

And so Ruth reads this article in Newsweek. And she thinks to herself, "I just knew those sneaky banks were going to lose all my money - just like happened to Dad (rest his soul) during the Depression!" Ruth knows that she's been hiding cash, and other valuables from the Bradford Exchange, around the apartment. If only she could remember where!

A safe is a good idea. She can put all of her important things (like expired driver's licenses) in there. She can even put a piece of tape with the safe code right on the front so that she never forgets! The best part is that these attractive safes are - yes - TOTALLY FREE! On top of that, they come complete with her very own HOARD (the word is bizarrely used eight times) of coins that, "By law will never be minted again." (Well, no shit, how can a 2005 coin be minted again after 2005 is over?)

Poor Ruth. What she doesn't realize is that her initial payment of $98.00, plus shipping (for 4,100 coins AND a free safe!) is only the tip of the iceberg. Because $98.00 will be charged to her credit card for an additional 18 months, for a total of $1,862 dollars, plus shipping.

But that's not all! Unfortunately for Ruth, she has missed the deadline for this outstanding offer. How do I know? Because I called. I talked to a nice young lady who informed me that my claim code had (shockingly!) expired and that, at this point, I was only eligible for the still excellent deal of paying $119.84 per month, including $119.71 shipping for the safe. The young woman informed me that I was still getting an outstanding "hoard" of coins - 100 Presidential dollars and 4,000 2005 Bison Nickels from the Westward Journey Series. Actual value of a 2005 Bison Nickel? Five cents. So, 4,000 of them would be worth $200.00, for a total coin value of... wait for it... $300.00! So, for a total investment of $2,396.97 (19 payments of $119.84 plus $119.71 for shipping) I could be the proud (and, clearly, moronic) owner of $300.00 worth of coins, plus an armored safe which, because I asked, I know is not fireproof.

I also know that it is valued (by the World Reserve...) at $436.00. That is the price I would pay if I decided to discontinue receiving my "hoard" of coins, but wanted to keep the bitchin' safe. If I kept to the program, I would be paying $2,396.97 for $300.00 worth of coins and a $436.00 safe. Sweet!

Of course, since the prime demographic for this kind of ploy is the housebound, senile elderly, who have long lost their adding machines and, like my kids, might equate the number of coins to the value of them, this does seem like a pretty awesome deal. And, since it is coming from the motherfucking WORLD RESERVE, it must be legitimate. In addition, there is a picture of a little old biddy (Carol Ford from Perry, Ohio: population 1195) gleefully receiving shipment of her armored safe, which makes the whole thing seem totally (as long as we are defining "totally" as "not really") credible. Especially to the set of individuals that thinks hiding money under a mattress is the ideal way to safeguard their savings because everyone is out to get them.

I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes from this ad:

"Just think if you would have saved the same number of uncirculated Eisenhower Dollar coins from 1974. Remarkably, they would now be worth 500% more in collector value."

Tru dat. A mint-condition Eisenhower dollar will sell for about five bucks now. That doesn't mean these cheesy nickels will do the same. And even if they did (increase their value by a factor of five over a span of 35 years), they would still not be a good deal.

"The only problem this safe creates is when it's time to read your Will (mysteriously capitalized.) You need to make sure everyone knows who you want to leave it to."

Preying on the imminently dead crowd. Classy.

"When Americans get their hands on this Safe and their very own personal hoard of U.S. Gov't Coins, they'll really do a double take. Everyone will feel like they've just won the lottery."

Indeed, everyone at the World Reserve will feel like they've just won the lottery as Ruth gives her Mastercard number to the nice lady on the phone.

"Carol Ford of Perry, OH said she hit the jackpot when her Free Armored Safe was delivered. 'I already have some old coins, but I wanted these U.S. coins as a nice nest egg. Now I can keep all my important papers and my dad's gun in the new safe', she said."

But Carol, if you put the gun in your Armored Safe, how will you have time to grab it should a cracked-out burglar in search of a hoard of Bison Nickels come to the door?

When I called the World Reserve and said I had some questions regarding their advertisement, the girl politely told me to hold my horses while she gave a canned sales pitch, which she was clearly reading from a piece of paper. At the end of her deal, she said that the only question left was whether I would like to use a Mastercard or Visa. Ah, the old, "assume they're going to buy and put them in the uncomfortable position of having to say no" trick. Worked for me when I sold gym memberships, worked for Brian when he sold appliances, and works for Kelly over at the World Reserve. Except for not with me, because I was calling as a joke.

Anyway, the moral of this story is twofold: The first part is that it is really, really sad and disgusting that there are cretins out there preying on the elderly and those whose cerebral capacity does not enable them to identify a scam. I imagine that the only kind of person who might be interested in this ridiculous rip-off is the kind that is already financially strapped. And that makes me nauseated. The second, and even more important part, is that ads like this (remember the Amish mantels with FREE space heaters?) are hilarious, and are honestly the most interesting part of Newsweek.