Cosmo Mag Review: October 2009

It's not October yet, but I know all you confident females out there are chomping at the bit for what heralds the beginning of fall for American women: the October issue of Cosmo.

The dog days of summer, having included numerous incidences of humiliating sexploits, crash diets and misguided attempts at achieving beach-hair, are over. It's time to hunker down for the crisp milieu of autumn, and prepare ourselves for the long-awaited holiday season that brings to mind good food, good friends, time spent with family, and outsmarting a brutal rapist.

Yes, bitches - you heard me right. No longer is it enough to fend off a brutal rapist - or even acquiesce to his demands in order to save your life. No longer is it commendable enough to report the bastard who brutally raped you, and then testify against him in court, reliving each terrifying second in front of a room full of strangers. Now, we must outsmart the men that force their appalling penises upon us. And Cosmo wants their empowered readers to know that a confident woman is capable of challenging her would-be rapist to a duel of the minds. So, for the next time some sicko attacks you, be sure you have your Rubik's Cube scrambled and ready to go. Challenge him to a timed race to complete it. Also, you can have a copy of the New York Times' crossword puzzle. See if HE can get 19 across. If he does, he can commit all the felonies he wants. But you know what? Your average rapist has low verbal acuity (thus, his inability to woo drunk, but willing, sex partners with even the lamest of pick up lines.) He will probably NOT come up with "antonym for emigrate," and thus will have to let you go, undefiled.

Enough about bad men doing bad things to non-consenting women. Let's talk about bad girls doing bad things to men who like it. Apparently men enjoy what is called, "Bad Girl Sex." Cosmo wants to teach you how to do it, so that you can make your man really, really happy. You might be asking yourself, "But what if I don't want to have bad girl sex?" The answer is: It's not about you. As we have discussed in previous blog entries, your body, and specifically your vagina and boobs, were put on this planet to please men and cater to even their most deviant desires. So put on those crotchless panties, pop a few Quaaludes, and take on Cosmo's "Dirty Dozen." You might not like it, but that's not the point, now is it?

Remember when spinning was popular? Or yoga? Or Pilates? Or Jazzercise? Fitness fads come and go like sex partners, because no one likes to do the same workout/manwhore for very long. Apparently the "Sexy Ass Workout" is having its 15 minutes in October. The message of this fitness plan is simple: as long as your ass is smokin' hot, the rest of your figure can be like whatever. This might not make a lot of sense to you young ladies out there - and you might be wondering how you're going to lure men into your web of cheesy desperation if you do not exercise yourself into an amenorrheaic state. But think about it - when you have degrading and meaningless sex with a man who really only cares about getting his rocks off - what part of your body is he normally grabbing and/or staring at? And there you go.

What is the funniest thing you've ever had stuck in your genitalia? Did you have to go to the ER to have it removed? I sure hope not, because those ER doctors talked to Cosmo and spilled all. Either you will read the article and feel better about the comparatively benign "Down There Emergencies" you've had - or you will read a fairly accurate but cleaned-up rendition of the most embarrassing moment of your life. Either way, it's fun to read about people getting things stuck in their "down there," and I'm glad Cosmo is providing the dual service of a good laugh and a timely forewarning to those of you who are interested in...

What 81% of men expect on a first date. Now, of course, I have not actually read this issue of Cosmo, so I am not positive what more than 4 out of 5 males expect the first time they take a girl out. My top five guesses would include:

• A blow job
• A blow job under the table at PF Chang's
• Going Dutch
• A blow job while he is playing online poker
• A follow-up text message

So, all you miserable, pitiful ladies - do you want more confidence? Hell yes, you do! You've been looking to boost your self-esteem by throwing yourself at undeserving men. You've considered plastic surgery for the sole purpose of catching dudes. You've been doing the Sexy Ass Workout and the Dirty Dozen for months. You still spend hours a day posting obviously posed "candids" of yourself in a bikini top on Facebook. You've seen those so-called "confident" girls - the ones who play sports, get good grades, have promising careers and healthy friendships. You want to know: what do those girls have that I don't? What is their #1 secret to confidence and self-fulfillment?

Of course it's the 26 top beauty products available, as determined by Cosmo readers. Everyone knows that a girl can't be confident, sexy or in any way appealing unless she is wearing no fewer than 26 products at any given time. I guaran-damn-tee you that Maybelline Great Lash is on the list, even though I haven't read it, because Maybelline has some deal with the magazine industry that their absolute WORST mascara has to be included on any "top whatever" list they publish. Ever.

Anyway, girls, if you want to love yourself more, just buy and use more makeup. It worked for Tammy Faye, and it can work for you too.