If you know me very well, you know I am not a huge fan of the canine species. It's not that I hate dogs - I just don't see the point. Yes, some puppies are cute. But they also shit, shed, shred, bark, leap, sniff people's crotches, slobber, require babysitters when you go away for the weekend, and can rack up quite the vet bill. They also whine for attention, beg for food, and need to be exercised every day. What about that sounds appealing?
Still, my son loves dogs. Adores them. Is drawn to them. It is hard to take him to the park because every time he sees a dog, he takes off after it. This has gotten us into some interesting situations with a) owners who have their dogs illegally off-leash and b) breeds that I feel have no business being household pets (yes, yes, I know - your - pit bull wouldn't hurt a fly.) Anyway, everyone keeps telling me that I have to get Lane a dog.
It's true, he lights up when he sees my mom's animals. They are small dogs, the non-shedding kind, and he is mesmerized by them. So now that we're finally buying our own home (complete with a large, fenced-in yard) my heart has softened a tiny bit and I guess I'm entertaining the idea of getting a family dog at some point.
Today, I spent some time online, researching dogs. If I have to get a dog, I need to get a breed that does not shed (and, preferably, one that doesn't shit.) I absolutely cannot tolerate dog hairs in my house and poop all over my lawn. According to the Breed Finder, I am suited to the Glen of Imaal Terrier, which works out well, because there is currently a 5-year wait list for one, and they cost over three thousand dollars. Deciding that I don't have it in me to buy a dog for three thousand dollars, I looked into other ways in which a person obtains a pet dog. I learned the following:
-You must not buy a dog from a pet store, because dogs from the pet store usually come from puppy mills, which are a scourge on the planet. No reputable breeder would ever sell his puppies to a shop. Not only does buying a pet from a shop support unethical treatment of animals, but the quality of the animal you buy is almost certainly suspect.
-You must not buy a dog from a breeder. A breeder is a person who, as a business, breeds and sells puppies. Many breeders are very cautious with their breeding practices and treat their animals excellently. No matter, they are also a scourge on the planet because they allow their animals to reproduce while millions of dogs are euthanized in shelters every year. Also, dontcha know that purebred dogs aren't as healthy as mutts? This is why I married a Guamanian.
-You must not get a dog from Animal Control. You never know why an animal is there. You have to assume that any family with a lovable, healthy, obedient dog would not relinquish him at Animal Control, but would either find the dog a new home or at least abandon him with a no-kill organization. The animals that end up at Animal Control tend to be those with severe behavior issues, or were neglected and abused by their owners. Don't get me wrong, I believe in redemption, but I can't bring an abused animal into my kids' lives. Shelters are routinely picked clean of the healthy and young dogs by "rescue" organizations, so a lot of what one sees at the shelter is not really suitable for a young family with kids looking for a healthy puppy.
-The only acceptable way to obtain a dog is via a rescue organization. Unfortunately, rescue organizations do not actually place animals with families, because no one can live up to their outrageous standards. It is easier to adopt a baby from China than it is to adopt a cocker spaniel from a rescue. First of all, most rescue organizations have a LONG interrogation list that includes questions like: If the dog is left outside when you are gone, will he/she have some sort of access into the house? What kind of food do you plan to feed your dog? If you have had other dogs in the past, please tell us why you no longer have each one. If they passed away, at what age and under what circumstances? Do you agree to allow post-adoption vists at mutually agreeable times?
Let me tell you something - if I am going to take an abandoned dog off of your hands (because I am a generous and caring person), I do not need you to drop by the house to make sure I am not, say, locking him in the yard while I mop the floors or feeding him Maintain Chunks instead of Eukanuba. Are we really at a point in time in which it is unacceptable for a dog not to have access to the interior of the home for any period of time? Is it really bad to, say, put the dog in the yard while the housekeeper works inside or while your allergic niece visits? From the rhetoric on many of these "rescue" groups - the answer is "yes." When I was a kid, my mom OFTEN locked me and my siblings outside to play, and advised us to take a drink from the hose or pee in a bush should the need arise. Apparently, that was not only child abuse, but animal abuse too, because many rescue groups will not place a dog with someone who will ever, for any period of time, force the poor dog to be outside.
I also want to know how critical it is that I detail how my previous pets "passed away" (a term I hate even when used to describe human death.) I tend to think that if I am trying to adopt a new dog, I am not going to divulge how my last dog died in a high-stakes pit fight, or at the hands of my antisocial 12-year-old. Speaking of him - most dog rescues want to know if you've got kids, and if so, how old they are. Many organizations will not place a dog with a family that has young children. The rescue ladies say that kids and dogs can be unpredictable, but the truth is that they want your priority to be the DOG - not your offspring. Having kids makes people understand how relatively unimportant pets are. I'm sorry, but it's true. Care for your dog, have fun with your dog - make sure his needs are met - but when the house is on fire, you will not only grab your kids first, but you also send the dog back in for your son's favorite blankie.
Have you ever seen the home of a Crazy Rescue Lady? Invariably, it looks like the pound, only worse because the pets are running the house instead of the humans. The CRLs complain incessantly that there are not enough people willing to adopt their animals, but the truth is that most of the time, they just refuse to place the dogs. It is not good enough to say you'll care for a dog, walk him, take him to the vet and teach him to obey. You also have to own your own home (and provide a to-scale blueprint of your yard for the organization to review), agree to hire an animal trainer, provide multiple personal references and acquiesce to all the other ridiculous demands that power-wielding CRLs come up with. Got kids? No dog for you! Think animals belong outside? No dog for you! The reason rescue organizations have such a surplus of animals is because they make adopting one a miserable and nerve-wracking experience.
So, I don't know. I am not sure I'm up for dog ownership. I mean, I love animals, and I've always taken good care of my pets. I have successfully rehabilitated feral cats, acted as midwife as animals gave birth, irrigated abscesses and fed my pets special diets for to prevent struvite crystal formation. I have spent nights in the urgent care for pets. I have diligently applied Advantage and treated for tapeworms. I think I could handle a dog, and even grow to love one - I'm just not sure where to get one.
